Estranged, Not Erased

How do you handle the following hurtful words…

• Would it make a difference of who said it to you?

• A spouse, a friend, a family member or your adult child?

‘You have nothing of value, what do you expect us to do with your things when you die, take it to goodwill or a dumpster?’

• This statement shocked me to my core, was a very painful thing to hear. Not only is it disrespectful, but it is also dismissive and cutting. I don’t need to justify my worth or my life through possessions. Nor do I deserve to be criticized for my belongings.

‘You are so self-centered cause you do your hair and make-up every day. What kind of role model do you think you are for your grandkids?’

• Doing my hair and makeup is part of how I show up for the day. It is my self-care. It doesn’t make me self-centered, and it doesn’t diminish my role as a grandmother.

‘You were never a good mother; you have always been a perpetual teenager.’

A “perpetual teenager” does not:

1. Become a licensed therapeutic foster parent for six years

2. Complete 1,000’s of hours of training

3. Show up daily for other people’s children

4. Work 12 years inside their child’s school

That statement was to undermine my identity, my history, and my work as a mother. It’s especially cruel because it erases my years of care, presence, and service. People who feel unresolved pain sometimes cope by devaluing a parent entirely, turning complexity into a single, harsh narrative. Them saying it, doesn’t make it true. It makes it simpler for them to carry their own hurt. That description doesn’t fit my life.

These statements were all made in a counseling session arranged by my adult child. I was not allowed to name facts, context, or even ask clarifying questions. This was not collaborative therapy. The counselor overcorrecting toward “validation” of feelings, protecting the narrative of my estranged daughter, disallowed myself from having a voice, or prospective.

“This is about my feelings, not facts” does not give someone license to:

1. make character assassinations

2. rewrite history without challenge

3. using counseling as an avenue for emotional unloading without accountability

   
   

Seeking understanding, is exactly what counseling / therapy is supposed to support. The counselor’s role is to hold the container, not tilt it so far that one person is emotionally exposed while the other is emotionally unchecked. I’ve lived a responsible, service-oriented life.I showed up, in schools, in foster care, in family, in crisis. No counselor’s framework gets to erase that.

Though I paused these counseling sessions and wanted a true therapist to continue, I was denied. I didn’t fail this attempt to work on our relationship. I was outnumbered emotionally, and I continue to stay present. And that matters.

My goal wasn’t to win the argument with any of these statements. I needed to protect my sense of self while modeling exactly the behavior, I’d want my grandkids to see.

Ms. Shannon

Just My 2 Cents ©

1372 days and counting...

#Outnumbered #NotUnworthy #estrangement